I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I have feelings that need drinking.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
