Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
