Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
