guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
