all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
