just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
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