they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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