I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
