I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
