I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
