6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
