dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
