Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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