Betty ford says i'm here all night
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
