If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
