The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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