cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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