Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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