i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I am midnight drunk by noon
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
