So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I think my vagina is haunted
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
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