I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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