my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
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Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
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I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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