i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
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I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
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Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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