Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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