You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
