at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
