Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Randomize
