Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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