I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
