While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
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He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
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He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize