Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
