I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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