whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Good news!! I can adult!! π turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ππ
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize