4 words: hood of his car
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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