You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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