dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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