yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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