just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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