Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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