Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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