there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He has the fingertips of a God
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
