Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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