you traded sex for a burrito?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
