I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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