What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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