I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
