Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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