If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
