yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
