if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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