I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
