don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
