Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
